The spectre of Les Page Neufs looms again

Now let's get a couple of things straight.

Number 1 - there's been a suggestion that these carefully written words are some kind of spoof and written for the amusement of my admirers. Well, all I can say is that if they are - then its cost me an arm and a leg, not to mention hours of pain and anguish. And if you think I'm going to run 20 or 30 miles a week just so some spotty herbert can accuse me of writing a pack of porkies let me assure you - you are very much mistaken. And if I ever catch anybody even remotely suggesting I'm writing fiction, they will get a dose of the famous 'Ron Bonce'.

That's right I'll deck you.

Number 2 - this kiddie does not bottle from a challenge. But ever since my infamous inclusion in Les Page Neufs in some Johnny Foreigner race in France a week or so ago, it seems as though the whole flippin' world is conspiring against me. Well, I refuse to be spooked by the prospect of appearing towards the southern end of the results list. After all, this whole journey towards 2012 glory is no sprint - it is, quite literally, a marathon. That means a carefully planned schedule of training and races - combined naturally with a number of very public appearances - will be neccessary if I am to achieve that Gold medal in London five years or so from now. But just because I'm racing here and now doesn't mean that I'm going to win here and now. So, ha chuffing ha to those detractors who turned up in the City of Filth and Needles last Sunday to see if I'd trip up at the Phoenix Park event.

Well I didn't.

I finished fifth from last.

But that's exactly where I wanted to finish OK?

I don't intend commenting any further on what was a pretty miserable afternoon. Suffice to say I was a minute and 10 seconds below my target time and that's all that matters to this kiddie. And if that makes me sound prickly - then so be it.

But the next time my management suggests to me that it would be a good idea to run four times round a public park with dog walkers, perverts, children, animals and Polish ice cream sellers in the way, they too will get a dose of Ron decking.

Stupid event.

Anyway so enamoured with the city were we that I've only got to go back again this weekend and take part in the Reebok piddling 10K. I don't mind to be honest because I'm no doubt being lined up with the other local celebrities to add a touch of razzamataz to the morning. So do look out for me - I'll be demonstrating my anal cruch and groin thrusts close to the start line from around 10.30 onwards and I'll be happy to pose for any piccies you need.

But to be honest Taperers I am a little prickly today. The weather is like something you normally only see in Yorkshire or Wales - I wouldn't even send the Half Share in the House out in it to be honest, so there's no way I'm going out running in the stuff. And my training kind of headed a touch south ever since I bumped into a bloke with a chocolate fountain and I've had this 'full up' feeling ever since.

So the weight is not peeling off me at quite the speed I'd like it to - but I have lost six pounds in weight since the beginning of the month - so I'm 25% of the way towards my 'weight lost' target. Which sounds great - but what that also means is that I've still 18 pounds to shed before I can really knuckle down and start to work on my marathon speed. You'll remember that it looks as though I'll be accepting a guest place at the London Marathon in April and with around 20 weeks to go before that I'll be working hard at reaching a number of milestones over the coming months.

Like weight. And speed. And stamina.

So, how have I lost that impressive six pounds?

With hard work, dedication, a determination you'd be proud of - and just sheer willpower. I also found it helped switching from using BP fuel to using Murco. Murco garages only sell Bobby's food and Rola Cola and nobody in their right mind would consume that stuff - so the Ginster pies have stopped, as have the McCoys Crisps (they sell Krunchy Krisps - I mean, for goodness sake who would buy them?). Plus the daughters Haille-Minogue and the Droog are practising for their cookery classes - and there's just no way you'd touch the stuff the system teaches them to cobble together now.

I've also slowed up the old alcohol intake a tad - and I'm restricting myself to just a few drinks on two midweek evenings - obviously I still like a couple of Leffes on a Friday and Saturday night. Plus, of course I still like a good rehydration session after the race on Sunday. But apart from that - oh and a quick livener with the footie on Tuesdays and Wednesdays - I'm remaining pretty abstemious. Then there's my diet. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four main food groups: the fruit group, the vegetables group, the pizza group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. I'm pretty confident that if I carry on following my eating regime religiously I'll soon be the shape I want to be.

And I've always wanted to be triangle shaped.

Anyway - can't stop. It's Friday night - and I'm off for a spot of hydration in the R & C.

Keep on tapering.

Ron.