Don't panic - I'm here!

What ho my old pining groupies.

It’s so good to be back with you – and I’m grateful for your concern about my health and welfare. The truth is that whilst I am alive and well, I’ve had a tricky dicky couple of months. The running biz has been weighed down with … well just weighed down really. I’ve suffered a few injury probs and these have held me back. So too has the fourteen stone of extra weight I now seem to be carrying – I think I have a medical condition which manifests itself whenever I see a glass of beer or a menu. One glance/sip and I’m seven pounds heavier.

I’ve also discovered that being a full-time Olympic hopeful isn’t all its cracked up to be either! Whilst I can’t say that the adulation hasn’t been fun – it doesn’t put bread on the table! My three cash drainers Haillie-Minogue, The Droog and The Sod have continued making noises about me contributing to their welfare – such as buying them food and clothes. The end result, sadly, was that I was faced with an ultimatum – either earn some dosh out of this running business or, gulp, get some work done.

So, I’m afraid that the running has had to take a second place whilst I tuned me hand to a spot of earning. I was going to have one last bash at trying to secure a place on the GB team at the World Athletic Championships in Japan later this month – but then I noticed that it clashed with the Hove Prom 5 – and I don’t want to miss that event so I ducked out.

Running-wise then I’ve done very little – apart from a couple of small events. I wandered aimlessly round a 5K in Ashford in a dreary 27.02; then a week or so ago I proved that class will always tell when I took part in the Wedding Day 7K – and only purred round in a personal best of 43.02.

OK it’s the first time I’ve ever done the 7K distance but I ain’t complaining!

So, why am I back now?

Well I’ll tell you.

The Olympic Dream is still on course – but I’ve decided to up the ante by sticking a couple of additional challenges to help me on the way.

In October this year I’ve been persuaded to do the Beach Head Marathon and three or four weeks later I’m off to the land of Chianti and Pasta to take part in the Florence Marathon.

Now for those who I consider to be my colonial friends, Beachy Head may mean nothing to you – but let me tell you its enough to strike fear into anybody.

For a start, it’s probably the number 1 suicide spot in the UK – with a stream of people bowling up on an evening to hoy themselves off the cliffs into the sea below. For runners it’s a challenge too – think of your fastest marathon – then add 50% to that time. And there’s your fairly stiff target to aim for.

But Beachy Head is a stroll in the park compared to our 2008 challenge – the 100 Mile Himalaya Challenge. That’s 100 miles in a very hilly part of the world indeed.

So, the training and ‘get back to reality’ 14 day training programme began on Saturday morning and I’m now focused on restoring my Olympic Gold Medal reputation.
But not for me a boring couple of weeks running the lanes of Sussex.

Nope. I’m in warm weather training mode in a strange place called Montenegro. It’s a place where there are more public servants than grains of sand – and not one of them smiles. However, it is perfect for me to reassert my athletic prowess.

So, over the next couple of weeks I’ll bring you up to speed with what I’ve been up to in some more detail. I’ll tell you about your man here’s performance in Luxembourg at the Night Run (you’d have been proud of me!). I’ve also been noseying around a place called Slovenia to look for places to run next year and I think I might also bring you some news on a campaign me and my cash drainers are running here in Montenegro – it’s called ‘Make a Montenegran Smile’ – and we’re failing miserably.

Coming up we’ve got races planned in Luxembourg, France, Holland and Belgium – plus we’re to have a look at the Arctic Circle next month. So much to tell you.

And “Yes, I’ve missed you too!”

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Another week gone, another milestone reached

As we reach the end of our sixth week in 2007 it is quite frightening what us athletes have to put our bodies through. Normal people and women have no idea what a gruelling life we lead. My punishing schedule of fitness training, diet, early nights and some pretty intense psychological sessions would leave their mark on a mere mortal - never mind this elite athlete's body.

Until now I've made it to the ranks of Superstar athlete and media personality by using my own unique training methods - but the progress I've made since Jan 1, using some rather unconventional methods it has to be said, is quite startling. Which just goes to show that you must always be open to ideas from others.

You know I think I've just been too comfortable with my pie and Leffe diet. But since trying this new fangled low-fat, low carb, low protein, low taste, no alcohol, no sweeties just plenty of exercise programme ... guess what? I've lost almost 16 pounds.

That's a pair of twins!

So, now that I'm not running with a wheelbarrow of blobness around my middle I've suddenly discovered a frightening burst of speed which, I tell you what - it must have those old Frenchies and Ethiopians dobbing in their EU subsidies!

But am I complacent?

Not on your Nellie! This kiddie's nothing if not dedicated to the cause. And that cause, need I remind you, is a commitment not just to beat those Frenchies - but to rub their gallic noses in it! So, I'm continuing with the training and diet thing through the rest of this month and next at least. I've decided I've got to fill that wheelbarrow up with a few more pounds of blob - and I've a target of sending another pound a week south right up to my first marathon of the year - that's London on April 22nd. At the moment, I'm something stone 12 lbs - so I'll be something stone 9lbs before the end of Feb; something stone 5lbs by the end of March - and something stone 2lbs come Marathon time. At that point I'll have dropped almost 2 stone - and if that ain't dedication to the cause I don't know what is.

I've a return to Caravan County this weekend when me and the Sod, my youngest, brave the elements for a stab at the Dover Half Marathon - the Sod's taking part in the youngster's run. His training regime of Playstation, Tomb Raider, Tizer, Penny Sweets and crisps should see him through that one! And if you're out and about on Sunday, I can confidently predict the weather. It will be cold and wet and chuffing miserable. How do I know? Simple. It is always cold, wet and miserable for this race. Target-wise I'm still bathing in the euphoria of last weekend's sub 2 hour half. Logic tells me that I should be able to repeat that effort on Sunday - but Dover's not a flat course by any means and I think, twixt you and I, I'll struggle to do so. So, I'm playing safe and aiming for a 2-05 jobbie but if I get sub 2 hour I'll kiss the mother-in-law.

As for the rest of the month, its back to Kent next week for a piddling 10K in Ashford and then the week after I'll be visiting Livingstone's Pit for a return to the Roding Valley Half Marathon.

Away from my punishing Elite Atlete's Training Schedule (EATS) I've a big problem ahead next week - I visit my spiritual home of Belgium on Tuesday and Wednesday for a two day visit to Brussels - and I've a feeling the training might just head south for a couple of days. Certainly this kiddie ain't taking the Belgian Strasse without checking up on me old mucker Leffe - and, of course, travelling Elite Athlete's Class on the Eurostar means a freebie decent full English breakfast!!

I am expecting some progress on improving my media profile next week and you'll not be surprised to know that I'm recruiting the best possible team around me to help mould your man here into a smoothie media personality. I've just fired off a letter to Max Clifford confirming his appointment as my media adviser - I'll stick a copy of my appointment letter here shortly. And, between you and I, I've some exciting news about my TV profile. I think I'm a midge's away from being appointed a captain on Question of Sport now that that Scottish drunk has left to concentrate on losing football matches with his national team. Obviously it's not confirmed yet - but when you see the application I've fired off to Sue Barker you'll be as impressed as I think she'll be.

Well, that's it for now - take it easy with chickens, turkeys and budgies till that Bernard Matthews thing blows over.

Keep on tapering.



Ron

Hey, ho - things are looking up

Well, it's been an interesting week.

First of all my schedule - carefully structured to enable me to peak in 5 years time - progressed smoothly enough this week. I had another of my 'lose 2 lbs' weeks - but to be honest I've no idea whether or not I achieved that particular target. I toddled off down to the gym and, well, frankly, I was distracted by this pretty young filly on the Arc Trainer. So distracted in fact that, having introduced myself, I thought she may be interested in one or two of my stretch and thrust pelvic exercices which have done me proud in my athletic career.

All I can say is what has this flippin' world come to when you can't even have a chat with a young thing without being slung out of the place? The bottom line is that I had to leave in such a hurry that I didn't have time to stand on the old scales. That means I'm focusing on this Friday when a double-week weigh-in will, hopefully, see me dip through that important psychological barrier - clinical obesity.

On the track I ventured forth once more into Caravan County on Sunday for the Canterbury 10. My entry had attracted a huge crowd of both athletes and spectators and I busied nyself pre-race, signing a few autographs for onlookers. I know that it's a chore - but I also realise that a few minutes spent now will pay dividends in the future. And I'm not referring to small potatoes here - without spelling it out, just think Sports Personality of the Year 2012!

Anyway - my race time target was to knock back my Dartford 10 time by a couple of minutes and try and finish in around 91 minutes. And that's exactly what I did, sprinting over the line in 91 minutes 15 secs - so job done there!

I have to say that my preparation wasn't 100% - it was the Half Share's birthday and we celebrated by cracking open a couple of Leffes the night before. The fact that I've only had the forbidden juice on four occasions this year contributed to my early Sunday Morning sluggishness. However the race started brightly enough for me - at 11.00 but not for a dog walker who decided that 11.01 would be the best time to take her dog for a walk along a quite, narrow country lane - against the flow of over 700 runners. Her cursing and attempts to knock over as many competitors as she could made even her poor dog try to hide its face in embarrasment.

I managed fairly consistent, just over 9 minute miles through to the half way mark and I crossed the 5 mile mark in 46 minutes - which made my target of 91 mins look something of a tall order. However a monumental effort by your kiddie here saw me return what those of us in the know refer to as a negative split - and I zipped round the second half quicker than the first.

Unfortunately the day ended in something of a disaster on the personal front for yours truly.

The day was rather spoilt somewhat by the Half Share in the House throwing a strop at the finish. She decided to nip off a bit sharpish and I lost her after about half a mile. As luck would have it though I spotted her ahead of me around 2 miles in and decided to maintain sight of her - she was around 200 metres ahead - and the plan was to use her as a sprint target at the 9 mile mark - and then to catch her up on the line. All went swimmingly and at 9 miles I made my move and started to reel the old bird in. As I got closer I do recall thinking that it was ironic that on this day of all days - her birthday - she did seem to be carrying a fair amount of undercarriage. What I hadn't realised though was how bandy her legs had become. 400 metres from home and it all became apparent. I'd been shadowing a 62 year old fella.

That wasn't my mistake.

My mistake was being honest and telling her. A mistake compounded by me shouting at the top of my voice and gesticulating enthusiastically - "That's the bloke I thought was you".

Not the nicest journey home.

Some fantastic news off-track though. Whilst there's been a deafening silence from both the Sports Minister and Seb, I have had an interesting letter from Dave (that's Dave Collins, Performance Director at UK Atletics) who had some very encouraging words for me. I'll publish his letter just as soon as I work out which buttons to press - but he's come up with an interesting couple of suggestions.

Quite apart from endorsing my training schedule and confirming that your man here is now very firmly "on the radar", he reckons that I might well have a future in two other athletic disciplines. First of all he reckons I'd cut it as a sprinter and all that I need is "some quality bling" and a "pronounced strut" He also suggested a strong lead for some commercial backing by suggesting I approach Ratners. And that's obviously what I'll do - quoting Dave's ringing endorsement,of course. As for the sprint thing - sorry Dave. Any bloke who can only run 100 yards is not a proper athlete in my book. For goodness sake I've run further chasing a bus!

His other suggestion is that I consider myself as an endurance athlete - he mentions signing up to run the Great Wall of China. Well that's too flat for ths kiddie.

I want a hill to run up.

So I'm signing up to run the Himalayan 100 - its held in October each year and includes a couple of runs up Everest. So, I'm going in 2008 and I'll let you know more about this in due course.

This week sees another monk-like period as I prepare for my first half marathon of the year on Sunday. I've accepted an invitation to run in Essex and the temptation to hire a white Escort for the weekend and dye the half share's hair blonde is almost as irresistable as it is stereotypical. Reminds me of the time when I courted a rather brash she-girl from Southend all those years ago. She came back from the library saying she'd borrowed a book called 'How to Hug'. Turned out she'd got Volume 7 of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

So, its the Great Bentley Half Marathon on Sunday - and I'm torn between going for that psychologically important sub-two hour mark and being sensible and aiming for 2.05. I'll sort this little connundrum out before the weekend and let you know how training goes this week.

Keep on tapering.


Ron.

One foot on the podium

Today is a very significant day indeed for us all.

According to some numpty in the Olympic press office it is exactly 2012 days to the 2012 Olympics. Good God – how many lottery tickets were sold to pay for that stunning piece of information? And so, on this momentous day, I can now put your minds at rest. Start the engraving now chaps – because this kiddie has Gold Medal written all over him!

I had three objectives for the weekend just gone. The first was the latest target in my slight realignment of body shape and mass – target for the week? Two pounds. And how much dropped off? Two pounds chummies! No messing! My second was to stay off the juice again – a feat I managed comfortably and I saw in my seventeenth day of the month without alcohol.

Then, on Sunday I ventured way into Caravan County for the Dartford 10 – my first competitive race of the year. I’d set myself a target time of 95 minutes – a mark I finished comfortably within, eventually strolling over the line in a shade over 93 minutes.

A couple of points about Dartford. First my finishing time should have put me comfortably in the leading bunch but there was deffo some dodgy goings - on because as I passed through the finishing funnel there were a good few hundred runners milling around looking as though they’d run some kind of race. If it was the same race as I ran I can only assume they’d all packed it in half way round.

Sunday was also the day that winter finally arrived. It was a tad parky I can tell you. In fact with the old wind blowing Irishmen across the channel it called for a pretty nifty start to get the old blood pumping. I did manage 9 minute miles on eight of the ten miles – only slowing up for a two minute breather at the end of a tough-ish uphill mile 5; and then I endured a 10 minute last mile up another flippin’ big hill. On the whole though I was pretty pleased with my consistent pacing – and over a distance I hadn’t run for a good few weeks.

There was a decent turnout of Ron fans too and I kept them entertained with the odd bit of Olympic banter and a couple of my Seb Coe riddles – I had them in stitches! They were good enough to leave me alone though as I went through my anal crunches and groin stretches on the start line – indeed there wasn’t a single runner within 20 yards of me as I went through my routine. And I like that. Respect for an Olympian can only help maintain the already strong bond I have with my fans.

Still no response to my letters to Seb, the Sports Minister and the UK Athletics kiddie yet but I expect they have to have my details rubber stamped by some numpty committee or other. In the meantime I’m now looking for a media deal and some PR advice. I thought I’d drop that Max Clifford chap a line – just as soon as he’s finished with that Big Brother girl’s problems.

Saw an interesting article in the Daily Telegraph today (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/main.jhtml?xml=/sport/2007/01/22/sofit22.xml) which had some young pretty thing doling out advice on what it takes to be a winner. Like me the young girl is an Olympic prospect (although I have to say that I was a touch peeved to learn that she’s already got her lottery funding in place, but that’s an argument for another day). Anyhow this Becky Lyne girlie listed her ‘Top Tips’ for winning in life and sport. Now, how on earth a 24 year old can dish out advice on life is beyond me but I thought it worth comparing her ‘Becky’s Top Tips’ with my own strict training regime – “Ron's Red Hot Recommendations”.

1. Have a goal. Take that as read Becky. Olympic Gold in 2012 is my aim. No more, no less – so, what’s yours Becky? And don’t dare fall for that Podium finish tosh. Its Gold or failure girl.
2. Prepare. She suggests treating yourself to some new kit – did you hear that UK Athletics? Where are my new pumps?
3. Share. Becky says you should tell people about your goal and she’s right. That’s why you and I, dear reader, are in this Olympic dream together. And that’s why Seb and I are the 2012 Dream Team.
4. Start slowly. Never been a problem for this kiddie I can tell you.
5. Add activity to your routine. Now this one gets really bizarre as she suggests, amongst other things ‘Doing some vigorous housework’ or ‘playing with your kids’. Becky – please!! There ain’t no medals for hoovering or Formation Jenga Mixed Doubles are there? Tosh.
6. Enjoy it. Becky – get real. No pain, no gain!
7. Re-fuel correctly. At last, common sense. I recommend Leffe.
8. Have a trigger. Listen to this: “When temptation stands in my way I lift my t-shirt and tap my belly”. I’m intrigued – but I’ll try it the next time I’m in the Rose & Crown Becky and see what happens!
9. Sleep. I like this one.
10. Persevere. You’re speaking sense now girl. Totally agree. And if you can’t persevere then pack it in is what I say.

All in all, there’s a fairly routine week ahead for this Olympic hopeful. I’ll be out pounding the Strasse again this week and I’m looking forward to Sunday when, in addition to a further 2 pounds shed and another five days out of seven alcohol-free, I’m anticipating another sub 95 minute run at the Canterbury 10. In fact, after my Dartford time, I’ll be disappointed not to get down to around 91 minutes.

You look after yourselves this week – it’s going to get chilly.

Keep on tapering.

Ron

All right, all right – I know ….

I know I should have let you know I was all right – but, the bottom line is, dear reader, well, to be honest, I’ve been in a spot of bother.

I’m afraid my quest for Olympic Gold in 2012 has slipped by the wayside a tad over the last four weeks – but I can assure you my silence has been for very good reasons.

For a start there was two weeks of Christmas. I have to say that it was all going swimmingly well until the Half Share in the House decided to pick a fight and start counting the Christmas coppers - after we’d already spent them. It was Christmas Eve and I’d just popped another Leffe, grabbed a tube of Pringles and was about to settle down to watch Men and Motors when she started to quiz me about our spend on booze for the festive period. Then she threw in that old chestnut about athletes and alcohol and, well, before you knew it Christmas was heading south and I was on the one way Strasse to Wrongdom.

What made it worse was not so much that she worked out I’d spent £248.50 on Leffe in December – but my counter-argument that she’d spent roughly the same amount on perfumes, flippin’ bubble baths, haircuts and all the rest of the beauty palaver that currently carpets half the bedroom floor and bathroom cabinets. She claimed that she had to spend that much on beauty stuff to make herself attractive to me. Fine. But, dear God, you should have heard the racket when I put forward a similar principle - that I drank so much Leffe to try and make herself look attractive too. The racket was such that it stopped next door watching Countdown and out they came suspecting murder had been committed.

They weren’t far wrong.

Suffice to say that I didn’t spend an awful lot of time round the Ron house over Christmas. But that said I had an agreeable sort of few days with my mate Ernie. I did pop in – obviously – on Christmas morning to wish the family Bon Noel. And to fetch my bottle opener. But apart from that it was a strange sort of Christmas for this kiddie.

But, of course, true love runs deep and all that. And it didn’t take her long to come round to my way of thinking and I eventually moved back into Hill Towers on New Years Eve. Just as well really – Ernie only stocks Carling and he was running a bit low.

Anyway. to tell you the truth I’ve been on best behaviour this year and having kind of messed up my end of year preparations I started 2007 with a real determination to sort out my body and get myself back on track for 2012.

First though it was the weigh-in. So, on January 1st I sunk my last Leffe around lunchtime, trotted off to the footie, snaffled a couple of Pukka Pies – and returned home to find the scales on the front door step.

Now I don’t know about you but I like to prepare for a weigh-in and, well, without getting too graphic, I like to try and lighten my load as much as I can before I stand to be weighed. But there was no chance here as the Half Share had whipped off my Duffel Coat and thrust me on the scales and, before I could say Paula Radcliffe, I was watching the dial enter uncharted territory. I think the medical experts have a word for my condition. I think it’s called Round. Because that’s what I’d become. A Blob. A Mass. In fact a round, blobby mass.

Modesty forbids me from actually spelling out in English money just what I did weigh on that fateful New Years Day. Suffice to say my target weight loss for my first marathon of the year in April – is 28lbs!! That’s right I’ve got to shift that wheelbarrow load of blobness before I can even begin my first proper tilt at my chosen Olympic distance.

How am I going to do that?

Well let me tell you.

With the same grit, determination and dedication that brought me all my athletic glories in 2006 – that’s how. This kiddie is nothing if not determined.

So the regime has started. And I’m pleased to report that I’ve shed 11 of those 28 pounds already. Friday’s weigh-in saw another 3 pounds heading south and I’ve a target loss of a further 2 pounds before this weekend’s weigh-in.

My marathon training meanwhile is – well, let’s just say I've found it difficult! However I did enjoy a tough 7 mile training run on Sunday and entered this week full of confidence – until I was struck down my some lurgy yesterday. As a result my next venture out won’t be until tomorrow when a little 6 miler is on the cards.

I’ve also drawn up my racing schedule for my pre-London Marathon programme. To be honest this is always a tricky one because naturally I’m asked to appear in so many different events that I get spoilt for choice. Obviously a lot of these running clubs can make a good few extra quid when the entry is boosted by the appearance of Yours Truly. So I do try and spread myself around a little and try to reach as many different outposts of my fan base as I can. I even go to Essex sometimes.

But just to prove what a decent chap I am I’ve even decided to make a couple of appearances in Kent and so watch out you Ronners in Caravan County as I make a guest appearance at this Sunday’s Dartford 10 Mile event. I have a soft spot for Dartford – they always put on good events and it’s the home of one of my favourite girlie runners. I’ll spare her any embarrassment by revealing her true name. So lets call her Cara - cos that’s her name anyway.

The Half Share and I first bumped into Cara the night before a prestige piddling 10K event in Nice, in the south of France a couple of years ago. I was injured and being one of those accompanying spouses set about knocking back the stuff in the optics behind the bar. Going great. Except this girl, a county athlete no less, kept up with me – drink for drink! Then at 3 o’clock in the morning she decided to start smoking and I think the evening – or morning - was finished off with a kebab. Well, come the following day the Half Share and Cara lined up for the start of the race whilst I lined up behind dark glasses and another Kronenburg. My missus lasted 200 yards before emptying up over the sea wall and into the Mediterranean. Not Cara though. What a girl – only legged it to complete a 34 minute 10K!

What a girl!

So, its Dartford this week then back to Caravan County for another 10 miler in Canterbury the week after before hitting Essex for the Great Bentley half marathon on February 4th.

Short term targets for your man here are to get round the first couple of 10 milers in as close to 95 minutes as I can – and then have bash at reaching that sub 2 hour mark for my half marathon in February. That lines me up pretty nicely for an attack on some times in February and March. I’ve earmarked a couple of events that I want to do well in. On March 3rd I’m in Belgium for the Ostend to Bruges 10 miler and I’m looking at sub 90 minutes for that one. And I’d like to do well in our local half marathon in Hastings the week after.

But I’ll keep you up to speed with my progress. In the meantime I should be back with you on a regular basis.

Especially now that I’ve got my front door key back.

I’ll also let share with you over the next couple of weeks the correspondence I’ve had with the Olympic people and my place in the Elite training squad.

Keep on tapering.

Ron.