Christmas spirit? Don't make me laugh.

Well I'm almost half way through my Rest Fortnight. I was reading a book by some expert who was insisting that rest and hydration are two of the most important components of an elite athlete’s training schedule. So, mark my words, I'm resting and hydrating extremely well!

But, of course, if I'm to expect that Gold in 2012 I understand that I have to look after my body carefully. So that's how we came to be in the Harrods store in Livingstone's Pit yesterday. I took the Half Share in the House for a spot of Christmas Shopping and decided to have a butchers at the posh food bit to see how the other half live.

Well, I tell you, for a kiddie brought up shopping in the Spar or the Londis I was gob smacked. You see we needed some posh cheese in the house because the eldest daughter, Haille-Minogue, has foolishly invited her bloke's mum round for tea and apparently Cracker Barrel isn't good enough for her. So, I popped into the Cheese Hall and guess what? It had a bar!! So, I had a couple of snifters - a bargain at eight quid a throw I thought not! Then, feeling suitably lubricated I decided to have a neb around - and do you know there were another five or six bars in the blessed place! So, not wishing to miss out on a West End Shopping Experience I tried the whole chuffin’ lot!

Now I have to say, I hold my hands up to being a tad unsteady on the old pins by the time I reached the chocolate shop but, having reached there, my day suddenly headed south with a gross display of unfestive spirit from some flippin’ rich foreign bloke.

It all started when the lady in the chocolate place started handing round bits of choccie to taste. Well I don't know what they'd put in the stuff but, frankly, it was horrid. So, I pulled out of my rucksack my box of Celebrations which the window cleaner had left as a tip for the Half Share (no, I couldn't work it out either - I thought it was the other way round).

Anyway, my favourites are the miniature Mars Bars and Galaxy Bars you get in the Celebrations selection - but I'm not too keen on the nutty sweeties like the Mini Snickers. So, being a friendly chap I got talking to this posh filly in a fur coat - and I offered her one of my sweeties. She picked out a Snickers Bar - but because she was wearing gloves she was struggling to get the wrapper undone. So, being a chivalrous bloke I offered to open the sweetie for her - at which point this woman's hubbie arrived at our side, complete with camel coat over his shoulders, dark glasses and a big heavy bloke carrying his shopping. He did look a bit miffed about me chatting to his missus so, trying to put his mind at rest all I said was "I'm just trying to get into your wife's Snickers".

And that's when his minder kneed me in the groin and I was escorted rather heavy handedly into the street and hoyed on the pavement with the tin of Celebrations chucked after me.

Christmas Spirit?

Don't make me laugh.

Keep on tapering.

Ron