But the show is back on the road

Despite my poor showings this Autumn - all down to a lack of training time plus a bit of a lifestyle issue - I've actually knuckled down over the last fortnight. the Half Share in the House has been very encouraging - she hoyed all my Leffes in the bin! The kids have also padlocked the fridge and, to top it all, I've pulled on the famous Ron Lycra again. Two weeks of intensive training has seen me start to regain my shape.

I'm now offically Oval - an improvement on my Round figure at the start of my new-found enthusiasm. My racing calendar is also starting to fill up and I'm off to Caravan County on Sunday morning to have a bash at the Thanet Coastal 10.

To be honest, it'll be nice to be back amongst my fans and I'm looking forward to carrying out my famous one-fingered press ups on the sea front on Sunday morning. The week after I thought the good people of Swanley would like a PA, so I'm off for the Swanley Christmas Caper. On the 16th I've been honoured to have been selected to be the official starter for the Kent Christmas Cracker in Deal - a feat I'm repeating a week later on the 22nd in Battle at the Christmas Pudding Dash.

So, I'm hoping that within the next four weeks or so, I'll be back to performing more or less world record times.

That's more like it.

2012?

Bring it on - your man is back!!

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Why do they call it Vin when it's called Van?

In September I returned to Luxembourg to take up an invitation from that cute little country to compete once again in the Route Du Vin. I'm still puzzled as to why it's called Vin when everybody calls it Van but I suppose it's just one of those 'small country idiosyncrasies'.

The only problem, of course, was that your man here wasn't in the best of shapes in September - and the Luxembourg chappies were expecting a seasoned celebrity athlete. So I declined the offer of an elite place in the race and decided just to pop down and do a demo of my anal crunch/pelvic thrust 5 minute warm-up.

(Above: Luxembourg can be pleasant)
I have to say that the weekend didn't get off to the best of starts. I travelled over there with those nice chaps at Nice Work who had assembled a gin-fuelled bunch of has-beens to help foster Anglo-Luxembourg relations. The problem was that we'd no sooner set off than they hit the duty frees - and to cut a long story short we bowled up in Luxembourg slightly the worse for wear.

So, it was in a state of some intoxication that my weekend began to wobble swiftly downhill - because I then decided that, despite having not run a yard for two months - I would take part in the race the following day.

I decided to nip down to the race HQ and have a natter with the organisers to secure an entry - and I have to say the pretty young thing that had been designated to look after elite athletes was most agreeable. However this promising situation quickly turned pear-shaped when she told me that I couldn't enter the race there and then but would have to do so the following day. I think it was a problem in the translation that caused her to call the Police - all I was trying to enquire was would she help me enter on the day and ... well I knew what I meant!

After being released with the usual warning about my future behaviour, I decided to get some kip and prepare for the race the following day. The race itself is fairly flat and follows the Moselle for 6 and a half miles before turning round and running back. Well - did I struggle?

(The Start - can you spot your man?)
If I'm honest, the only reason I took up this running lark was to hear the sound of heavy breathing again - and let me tell you, this kiddie was breathing big-time. I suffered. It was hot. The damned Kenyans were too fast - and, to cut a long story short, I ended up on the last page of the results finishing in 2.23.51 - my slowest half marathon by a country mile.

To say that I was disappointed at my performance would be putting it mildly. And so, straight after the race I decided to drown my sorrows in the bars and dens of iniquity across the river in Germany.

(Above - my mate Ernie came along for the ride)
I came across what seemed to be a sensible place to drink and settled at the bar to nurse my sore legs and enjoy a drop of God's finest Leffe when this German chap walked past me and only grabbed one of the cheeks of my rear end.

I was gob-smacked. And I was just about to remonstrate with the bloke when another guy walked past and patted my bum! What the hell was going on??? I tried to catch the barman's eye and as he was walking towards me, another of these pesky foreigners had a poke at my behind. I explained to the barman that three people had now grabbed my backside - what kind of place was I in? Was it some kind of gay bar?

"Nein" the German replied "It eez a Tapas Bar"

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Eight and a half quid a pint!

I was invited to take part in a race in a really far away place in June next year and so that's how I found myself on my way back to Oslo in September - a place in a strange country called Norway. After a brief stopover to re-acquaint myself with that pesky Ski Jump that I was hoyed off last December I flew with the Half Share to a place called Tromso. Its some 300 miles north of the Arctic Circle and so flippin' remote is it that they lift £8.50 off you every time you want a pint of beer!

I was there to check out the training facilities for my proposed visit next June to take part in the Midnight Sun Marathon. The race takes place at a time of year when there's sun right round the clock. Now that might seem attractive to you - but to me it just isn't natural.

Look. Day is day; and night is night. And the good Lord made it easy for us to tell the difference between the two of them by making one of them dark. No wonder these Norwegian persons seem to spend their lives in a permanent state of intoxication - if it doesn't get dark, how in God's name do you know when it's time to go home?

(Above) me and the Half Share in a canoe. We found out that your man here has a lot in common with canoes. we both tip well.
Anyway we did a bit of canoeing in the Fjords, a couple of boat trips and all in all enjoyed having a jolly good sniff around the place. Your man here was just getting to like the place though when I had a bit of an altercation with the local bobby.

It all started innocently enough when I decided to hire a motor and go for a little drive. I was pootling along minding my own business when I was pulled in by the rozzers. Apparently, the nitwit said, I'd failed to stop at a stop sign. But whilst I hold my hands up to not stopping per se - I explained that I'd slowed down sufficiently for it to make no difference at all. There then followed a ridiculous argument about the difference between stopping and slowing down - with me insisting there was no difference.

And that's when it got nasty. The bobby only went and got out his truncheon and started beating my round the head with the stick - and let me tell you, it damn well hurt. After he'd rained down about twenty blows he stopped, held the truncheon above my head and said "Now then, would you like me to stop? Or to slow down?".

It was at that point that I understood his point of view.

Despite that rather violent experience, the place is a top notch destination though - and your man here is really looking forward to returning in 2008 for a bash at running at night in the light.


Keep on tapering.

Ron

Yep - bigger than ever!

I sat watching the debacle that passed for the England football team on Wednesday night - and I realised it.

My country needs me.

Yep. My country needs a sporting hero and I owe it to my fellow countrymen to get myself off my backside and start to bring a little cheer to the miserable lives of the people in England. Especially those in Birmingham and Yorkshire who have a miserable existence anyway.

"But where have you been Ron?" I hear you say. "And are you still up for that Olympic Gold in 2012?" Well I've been lots of places my little Ronettes but I can assure you, the dream is still very much alive.

There has been a little hiccup in the old training regime department though - which is why never a truer word was spoken when I say "I'm back - and bigger than ever". You see my athletic life simply wasn't paying the bills so the Half Share in the House delivered an ultimatum - either I got a real job or she scarpered. I mulled that one over for a while then realised that even for no other reason than I'd be guaranteed clean socks once a fortnight, it was probably worth getting some work.

So that's how I ended up working at the local biscuit factory. For the first couple of weeks I was in charge of putting the jam in Jammy Dodgers - and, well I just couldn't resist having a nibble or two. And although I've progressed through to Dunk testing Digestives and onto spreading the vanilla in Vanilla Creams, I've been unable to resist the temptations -and I've packed on the weight.

But you can't hold back a good athlete.

I've found myself assuming what can only be described as an Ambassadorial role - and I've visited a few countries to greet and meet some of my overseas fans.

I'll bring you news of some of my adventures in due course - and mark my words there have been some! - but take a look at this list of places that your man here has been seen in:

Norway - for the Arctic Circle
Luxembourg - for the Route du Vin
Amsterdam - for ... well never mind what for
Arnhem - for a quick scoot around
Amsterdam - again, this time for the Marathon
Arnhem - again - for a bizarre race in the dark
France - for a 10K run in the country.

I've only taken part in a couple of UK races since the summer - and pretty disastrous they were too. But I'm now back in training - because 2008 is going to be a huge year for your man here.

Let's see if this little lot indicates how serious my Olympic training is set to become - I'm in for the Paris Marathon in April, I'm in for the Midnight Sun Marathon some 300 miles north of the Arctic Circle in June - and I'm looking at possibly doing the Himalayas 100 Mile run next November.

So, as you can see, once an athlete, always an athlete.

So let's get together again shall we? I'll bring you news of my adventures to date over the course of this week - in the meantime, I'll be sharing with you, once again, my life as an athletic superstar.

Oh - it's great to be back.

Keep on tapering

Ron

I'm back!!! And I'm bigger than ever!!

You won't believe what I've been up to for the last three months.

Well bring up a chair - because coming soon (before this Saturday if my Probabtion Officer agrees) you're going to be as excited as I am when you read all my news from the last few weeks.

And, don't worry, that Olympic dream is alive and well.

Keep on tapering (for just two more days please!)

(A Much Larger Version of)

Ron