Its called 'hitting the rails'

Week 2 of my new training regime to win the Himalaya 100 Mile Race in India in November. My eagerly anticpated visit to one of our few remaining pink bits on the map is bound to cause huge interest in that small outpost of the British Empire. I'll obviously be getting in touch with the race organiser (a nice chap called Charles) to make sure he has all the advanced promo stuff he needs for my visit. So far the chap seems a good egg and my entry together with that of the Half Share in the House is confirmed and my flights booked.

So how's training gone in week 2?

It hasn't.

You see what ordinary people don't understand is that the life of an Olympic champion isn't just about personal appearances, medal ceremonies, adulation and appearances on Jonathan Ross. Domestic chores - particularly those normally done by women - sometimes have to take priority. And so it was that I found myself in the middle of a muddy field in Stiletto City over the weekend.

With my eldest Cash Drainer Haille-Minogue currently in Peking for the Chinese Olympics I was handed the task of escorting middle Cash Drainer The Droog to some flippin' pop concert in Chelmsford at the weekend. Prior to going I'd done a decent gym session down at Stallones, ran a nippy 5 mile training run but nothing too strenous - so feeling pretty confident I took my pumps and shorts with me to Chelmsford for something called the V Festival.

And I only went and knacked my bloody knee!

Whilst dodging vomit, mud, obnoxious oiks high on some drugs and sheltering my ears from The Third Pooh From the Left or whatever the name of the ruddy band was, I fell against a metal bar - and that was it. I ended up limping back from the hell hole and I've been laid up ever since.

I now need physio and my knee needs a complete rest for a week - which for an Olympic Champion is darn near a lifetime. Fortunately I'm in France over the weekend doing a touch of long-distance walking to try and build up my stamina. With Himalaya Charlie warning me that this 100 Mile Race is a tad on the hilly side, I thought some dune walking along the coast in Northern France might do me some good.

Obviously though, whilst I've been injured I've had to do some serious couch sitting and I've had time to catch a few bits of the Chinese Olympics in Peking. And what a farce it is. The performance of Paul Radcliffe last Sunday in the marathon was nothing short of woeful and simply adds fuel to the argument for my inclusion in that event this year. Incidentally am I the only one to think that Radcliffe looks a touch feminine when he's running? Maybe a hair cut and different pair of shorts would help him.

But taking away the soft sitting down sports - the rowing boats, sailing boats, horse riding, and bicycling (what is that yobbo event with kids bicycles all about?) - we've not really brought home the bacon have we? The runners have done little, the wrestling chaps haven't been seen, the shooting guys and the bow and arrows team bottled it - in fact only the swimmers have a couple of medals to their name. And, you see in this kiddies mind, these are the proper Olympic sports. The real deal. Forget rounders - in fact, forget any game that needs a bat or a ball - and stick simply to those sports that would make those original Olympians from Italy proud. That means sticking to running, throwing, shooting things and fighting. And that should be it. Otherwise we might just as well include stone skimming, pie eating and bicycles with stabilisers in the flippin' competition.

And another thing. There's no place for kids in the modern Olympics. It's an adult competition. That means there should be no room for little boys in the Jumping In competition. Mind you it warmed the old cockles seeing his adult partner putting the little runt in his place. And no room either for girls throwing things or kicking things. Have you seen those girls playing football? They can't even kick the ball properly!! Just so girly with their 'kick the ball without bending the knee' actions. In fact, follow the Ron way of doing Olympics and you could have the whole thing wrapped up in a week too.

Anyway, its back to the serious stuff this weekend. I'll be making a public appearance at the Rye Summer Classic Series in Rye on Friday. I'm obviously the main VIP and I'm starting the 5K event. I'll also be signing a few autographs and generally meeting some of my loyal Ronnettes. If you're around, why not come along and see me do my anal crunch and pelvic squirt routine?

Hopefully though, by Monday, I'll be back in the old training regime with some better news to report.

Keep on tapering.

Ron