Here we go, here we go, here we go ....

Well Ronnettes I expect you're dying to know how come I was the star of the toughest race in the world. As you know my Olympic Gold medal prospects were placed somewhat on hold due to my knee problem. A problem confirmed by Kango Fingers, my psychotherapist.

I did, however, manage to pop over to Amsterdam – in a place called Holland – to make a guest appearance in the Olympic Stadium during the Amsterdam Marathon. I have to say when I eventually managed to scale the fence and wave to the assembled crowd from the track I didn't get quite the reaction I'd been promised. However, the policemen were quite accommodating once I'd proved my athletic prowess with my one fingered press-up routine – it certainly got the crowd a little animated!! Funny people those Hollanders.

Anyway it got me used once again to mixing it with fans and admirers – and so it was I made the final decision to join Himalaya Charlie as a kind of guest celebrity for his little Himalaya 100 Mile Race. I made it clear to HC that I would not be running the thing – but I'd try and do a spot of walking along the route – and that I was happy to press the flesh with the Nippalese and Indians along the way.

Its been an eventful year in many ways. I've made personal appearances in many different countries – Belgium, Paris, Luxembourg, Wolverhampton and even up to Norway and the frozen north – but this was to be my first trip to a country of the Empire.

But first I had to cover a few domestic issues.

The eldest Cash Drainer has now flown the nest – she's not taking up any space in the house, but she's now become a kind of human direct debit. Money disappears each month and we're not quite sure what we get for it. But that still leaves the Droog and the Sod at home – so I gathered them round the table and gave them a few home truths

I explained that times are hard at the moment. There's a credit crunch, recession and financial issues dominate households and businesses. In short, times are hard. So, it left me with no alternative but to order a tightening of belts, major cuts in household expenditure, paring down to the bare essentials, need to shop at Lidl and Aldi etc etc. Oh – and by the way me and the Half Share are beggaring off to Indialand for a fortnight's hols.

Mind you there were a couple of side deals to the trip. I could only go to Indialand on three conditions. 1. I had to take the Half Share in the House 2. Her Much Older Sister (MOS) had to come with us and 3. I had to be on best behaviour. I had no problem taking MOS – an etxra pair of hands to carry my bags would always come in handy.

And so it was that we began preparations for the trip. I called Himalaya Charlie and outlined my requirements with respect to food, lodgings, profile, exposure etc and he seemed reasonably happy with things. Tween you and I, though, the Empire doesn't quite seem to be what it used to be. Would you believe that he started to tell me what he expected of me. Well this kiddie takes no cheek from anyone. So I put him right on a few things and told him in no uncertain terms that my appearance in his event would be on my terms not his.

I think that bit might have been lost in translation though – because he just didn't seem to understand. However I'd sort him out when I got there I thought. In the meantime I started practising on a new warm up routine to replace my now well-known pelvic squirts and anal crunch programme. So now - for anal crunch read Ron's Instant Credit Anal Crunch and for Pelvic Squirts read Ron's Financial Gains Pelvic Thrusts.

The Half Share also let slip a horrifying thought. Apparently we'd been married for 16 blissful years on October 28th. We've actually been married for 20 years - but only about 16 of them have been blissful. So, our trip to Indialand was to be a kind of thanksgiving-type celebration of - and for - me. I could relax – certainly no running for this kiddie, I'd leave all that malarkey for the Half Share. Plus, to be honest, my stature has increased somewhat anyway and I'm not really in any fit state to run. In fact, I've ballooned and I was told quite frankly that the prospect of me hurtling down a mountainside was something not to be contemplated.

So, we took delivery of our tickets – we were flying with Catarrh Airlines, which I was told was quite good but to be honest so long as it had a wheel in each corner and a trolley dolly with a few sherbets I was happy flying with anyone.

And so it was on Thursday October 30th at some God only knows what time, I packed my duffel coat, put on my best fleece and waited for my mate Ernie to turn up in his Bedford to take us to London Airport. Once we got there I took on board a dose of carbohydrates and plumped for the full English – I had a feeling it was going to be my last decent meal for a little while.

We boarded the Catarrh Airlines flight from London to a place called the Middle East – which I had always thought to be Brentwood. But this Middle East place was a place called Doh!! in Catarrh How cool is that – having a place named after something from the Simpsons?? The MOS did try and throw a spanner in the works by trying to tell me that because it was an Arab type plane there would be no beer – but fears were lifted within 10 minutes of taking off when a tube of Carlsberg arrived on my table.

This was the life!! Top marks Catarrh Airlines!! Things got better – no sooner had breakfast settled than within half an hour of taking off it was lunchtime! More to the point it was a curry! So it was Chicken Tikka Masala and Nan Bread and more Carlsberg for the next three or four hours. And that's the way my Thursday went – beer, curry, sleep, film, beer, curry etc etc.

I have to say, that the old temperature went up a notch when the film came on and displayed the 18 certificate – weh hey I thought! But for some reason on came a film called Ice Age and the only rude bits I saw were a mammoths bum and a hens boob. Anyway it passed the time and then I had another curry – it was only 2 o'clock and I was on my third meal!!

But then a strange thing happened.

Somebody pinched half my day.

I was just blowing the froth off another tube when I happened to look out of the window – just in time to see the sun going down. I looked at my watch – and, yes, it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Then I asked one of the Catarrhists what time it was and she said it was 7 o'clock So who had pinched my five hours then? “Oh its OK” said the Catarrhist “You'll get them back when you get home”. But that was no bally good – I wanted all my holiday hours when I was on my holidays – not when I'd finished.

We eventually landed in Doh!! which is the capital of Catarrh. Well, Ronnettes – take a tip from me. Don't go there. Not a beer to be had anywhere. So I sulked for three hours until our flight was called to New Delhi – and very soon we would be in Indialand.

Just time for a couple more beers .... and another curry.

As we approached New Delhi, I had a funny feeling in my stomach. Something that I felt I might have to get used to over the coming days.

Oh what a cruel life.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about our first day in Indialand – and what a day it was!! Can you wait?

Keep on tapering.

Ron