In the bleak midwinter

Well the clocks have moved sideways which means Midwinter will soon be upon us. And as David Dimbleby often says "When the clocks move, its time to get your backside into the groove. Man."

so Ernie and I sat down at the end of our strategic blue cheese session earlier this week to start to put together my 1000 day plan to guarantee London 2012 Olympic glory. There are, indeed, just 1000 days left before the opening of the London games and I'll be sitting down soon with my Olympic mucker Syd Coe to formulate my role in those games (apart, of course, from winning the Marathon).

Ernie and I also looked at a plan to hone my fitness and performance and as part of that he's suggesting that I have a dry November. I considered his proposal for a couple of minutes ... and, you know, Ronettes, I'm almost tempted to give it a try. But all sorts of questions go through your mind when faced with a mental idea like that. "Is Ernie off his nut?". "Will it work?". "Why?". And so on and so on.

But I'll mull on it over the weekend and see what happens.

The other thing I'm mulling over is this bally sponsorship lark. I'm having beggar-all luck in attracting the major corporates to join the Ron bandwagon. So far, I've got Sid Pilkington, our window cleaner, to give me two plastic buckets to hold my used wet towels. Not very impressive for an international athlete eh?

But I do appreciate that we're in the middle of a credit snatch so I know I need to be patient.

But Ernie has suggested that the next time I make a celebrity appearance I organise a mass warm-up exercise and take people through my Pelvic Squirt and Anal Crunch routine. It's not a bad idea though. It would be open to ordinary people and women as well as athletes - so it would also look to widen my appeal as well.

Anyway, I'll think on it.

Off to Caravan County on Sunday for the Deal 5 - should be a shoe-in for a podium finish.

Will let you know how I get on.

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Sponsors needed

Right.

Just completed my strategic plan for 2010 - which will not be far away from my Winning Gold in 2012 time. So, I've decided that my orange all-in-one lycra and my Dunlop Green Flash are no longer up to it. I'm fed up of travelling to events in the back of Ernie's transit.

If I'm going to win Gold and represent this country properly I need the proper kit. So, I've had a blue cheese session with my professional advisers - well Ernie - and this is my 'must-have' list for 2012 Olympic Glory.

1. New running kit - must be capapable of holding all the right bits in and in the right direction. No more lycra - I've seen enough Police Stations this year to last me a lifetime. I'd like proper running shorts and proper running shirts - with, natch, sponsors logos emblazoned.

2. New pumps. Dont care what sort. Oh and if you could chuck in a few packets of whitener as well.

3. Drinks carrier. Enough to fit a dozen tubes of Leffe.

4. A new anorak.

5. A proper car. Anything so long as it doesnt have a coat hanger for an arial and it mustn't be French. A new van for Ernie would be a nice touch as well.

6. Hollands Pies have been a rubbish sponsor - come on Pukka Pies or Peter's Pies - what are you waiting for!!

7. An energy drink sponsor - somebody like Newcastle Brown Ale would be good.

8. A travel sponsor too - I'm getting a bit embarrased at the number of lifts I'm poncing from Nice Work. Plus, whenever I come back I always have a headache and I whiff of Pale Ale. I dont care who sponsors my travel really but it would be nice to have a prestige name like Millets or Poundland. Or even a private benefactor. As Des O'Connor used to say "Its always nice to have a rich benefcator sponsoring your travel when you're trying to secure Olympic glory for your country"

9. That racing driver chappie Jensen Buffon has a watch sponsor - so maybe somebody like Timex would fancy giving it a go? The Half Share rather cruelly jibed that I'd be better off with a calendar sponsor but I think that was just jealousy.

10. Viagra. Dunno why - that was Ernie's idea. Dunno what they make but Ernie says it stands to reason. He's lost me I'm afraid.

Anyway those are my priorities - but obviously any other stuff you want to chuck my way, I'll be proud to wear it on your behalf.

Just think you could soon be sharing my podium! And for those that say 'poo' to the idea, dont come crying to me when me and my mates from Pukka Pies are featured on the front cover of the Harlow Bugle eh?

Keep on tapering.

Ron

It’s been a bit of a summer and a half for Yours Truly.

A touch of joy here and there but also a heavy dose of disappointment too. As Jonathan Ross's brother often says though - “when the going gets tough, its time for a pie”.

I think what really bothered me was not getting selected for the GB World Championships squad – I had been training well and I'd stuck in some pretty impressive times – and, well let’s just say I think politics were responsible. How on earth these selectors can continue to ignore raw talent is beyond me. So, instead of the World’s I decided to train up for the Harvel 5 instead – and beggar them I thought, who needs Uriah Bolt anyway?

My spring had started in a fairly positive vein though. I popped down to my favouritist small European country to take part, once more, in the Luxembourg Night Run. Despite being far from fit due to an attack of … well it was Ernie's birthday that started it and I hadn’t quite dried out by the time I reached the start line. We had popped out for a beer at the end of April and just because it was May 3rd when I got back the Half Share took some sort of offence. I did eventually make it up to her – though I did have a little stutter! She asked me to buy her a present - and it wasn’t even her birthday! She asked me for something that went from 0 to 150 in three seconds.

My choice of a set of bathroom scales was probably not my best decision.
Anyway, I decided to trot round the Half Marathon and did what I thought was a pretty impressive time of 2 hours 37.31 – which was not far short of the time taken by the marathon winner – so I was satisfied with that. Next stop was Montreuil in Northern France for my annual argy bargy with the frogs. I'd love to tell you how I did in the race but a little incident with a crate of red wine means the whole bally weekend is now but a fog.

My fitness was starting to return though and I chucked in a nippy 5K at Bexhill where I destroyed a pretty handy field with a time of 31.39 which put me in great stead for my attack on the Harvel 5 in June. I threw myself round the course in a stunning 49.56 – and then my sodding knee went again!!

That was basically it for the summer.

I did venture to somewhere called the north for a 10K in Ulverston. Good God – now I understand where the expression 'Grim up north' comes from!! It was a bit of a family affair though as myself, the Half Share, the Droog, Haille Minogue and the Sod all joined me in the race. The family thought it was a great laugh to sod off and leave me to sign autographs at the start – which explained my somewhat tardy 1.08.26.

Until the weekend just gone my only other Personal Appearance this year was in September when I ventured overseas with the Old Soaks (aka Nice Work) for a bash at the Somme Marathon – although I decided to stick to what I'm superb at and focused on winning the 10K race. I worked my way through an impressive field of athletes like a wooden spoon through butter and dipped over the line in 1.09.25.
And so to now. The present.

I'm just recovering from a nasty bout of tendonitis so my fabulous time in Amsterdam at the weekend is but a small step on the big journey.

I'm up and off again this weekend but I'll have to give the racing a miss as I'm the guest celebrity starter for the Beckley 10K – but I'm hoping to nip out to Caravan County for the Deal 5 next week before more missionary work the weekend after in Richmond.

You know – I think I'm up for a biggie very shortly – and God help those Kenyans and those Tangerines when it happens.

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Orange, Orange and more Orange

So, off I went to Holland at the weekend. My motives were two-fold. First of all to resume my relentless but inevitable journey towards Olympic Gold in 2012; and secondly to do, if you like, a spot of missionary work amongst some of our poorer European allies.

Holland is very orange and as a nod of the cap towards the Dutch people I decided it would be appropriate to wear my new all-in-one Orange lycra running strip.

So, off we set with the Nice Work party - and a right motley, rum sodden bunch they turned out to be! Perfect company I thought. Before landing in Holland we visited somewhere called Netherland and I trekked for ages trying to find that Martin Jackson's ranch but gave up looking. I never liked his music anyway.

Amsterdam was bustling when we got there sometime late in the afternoon and I decided a couple of tubes of the local hooch was in order. Well, that was more or less it until I started feeling a touch peckish. There was a cafe next door to the bar so I popped in for a couple of cakes and a coffee ... well goodness knows what they put in their pastries but I can tell you that I felt like I'd got banjaxed by a steam hammer!

After I'd apologised to the policeman I decided to call it a day and get some shut eye. But do you know, waking up on Sunday morning I felt a familar stirring. And despite having decided to decline the offer of a celebrity place in their Half Marathon - I just felt that I'd be letting down Queen and Country. So, to mimic the words of Bobby Davro, I decided to "Give it a Go Barney".

And my, am I glad I did.

I decided to run in the 7.5K race. And as I lined up outside the Olympic Stadium I could feel the spirits of all those Ancient Italians who are immortalised in the Olympic movement. And you know I think they were trying to tell me something. I could feel a kind of Olympic aura emanating from these ancient Olympians through this Olympic Stadium built in 1928 and then through to yours truly - and as I looked up at the glorious blue sky my thoughts turned to 2012 and my place on that Olympic podium.

Inspired? You bet your middle dollar I was.

So, I decided to treat the locals to my famous anal crunch and pelvic squirt warm-up - but, dear reader, let me advise you of one thing. Never try this famous Ron routine in skin tight Orange lycra. Apology Number 2 required to the local constabulary.

My race was a masterful display of tactics, strategy and sheer animal speed. Once again, I scythed my way through an international field of elite athletes. I finished the race in 49.26 - which wasn't quite a BP but having pipped one Kenyan to the line, how delighted was I to discover that I'd only gone and done it arund an hour quicker than the Kenyan bloke who won the marathon?

OK, maybe he did run a bit further than I did - but, hey, whose fault was that? Nobody asked him to run all that way did they?

After receiving my medal and a quick peck from the Queen or somebody we retired to the bar to celebrate.

I have to say, Ronnettes, I was chuffed to bits to pull on the vest once again - after such a lengthy absence I realised just how much I'd missed the cut and thust of international competition.

That's my lot though for foreign travel for a little while. I'm due to vist Belgium again in March and I also have races planned in Paris, which is near Franec, Luxembourg, Norway, The Somme and India amongst other places next year. Before then I do have a couple of celebrity appearances to make. I realise I have some work to do to get my fitness back on track - and I need to work hard at raising the old profile again.

I'll be in Beckley on Sunday - and I've got my Summer round up to come too. But in the words of that bloke who does the weather on BBC2 - that's the lot for tonight.

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Wow! What a place that was

Just back from Amsterdam - and I certainly caused a storm there! Was it my new orange all-in-one lycra? Or was it my magnificent performance against the Kenyans?

I'll let you know shortly.

One thing is for sure though.

This kiddie is back!

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Right - that's it. I've had enough

I've been sat on the sidelines for too long now. London 2012 is not far away now and if I'm to justify the tag of pre-race favourite for Olympic Marathon gold I need to get back into training - and sharpish.

The last five months havent been particularly happy for yours truly. I've had a stop-start running summer - with more stops then starts between you, me and the gatebell.

I'll update you with what's been happening a little later today, if I can. But my running experiences in France, Luxembourg, the Somme and a place in England called the North have left their mark in many ways.

I have a busy schedule of personal appearances next year with events in Belgium, France, Norway, Holland and a special return to see my colonial chums in Indialand.

This weekend I'm off to the land of cheese, clogs and foaming mouths - yep, I'm a celebrity entrant for the Amsterdam Half Marathon - but a nasty case of tendonitis has put paid to me competing. I'll still pop over there though - I'm off with my mates at Nice Work so at least I'm guaranteed a beer.

I'll let you know how I get on this weekend. But in the words of that woman who reads the news "It's great to be back".

Keep on tapering.

Ron