Sponsors needed

Right.

Just completed my strategic plan for 2010 - which will not be far away from my Winning Gold in 2012 time. So, I've decided that my orange all-in-one lycra and my Dunlop Green Flash are no longer up to it. I'm fed up of travelling to events in the back of Ernie's transit.

If I'm going to win Gold and represent this country properly I need the proper kit. So, I've had a blue cheese session with my professional advisers - well Ernie - and this is my 'must-have' list for 2012 Olympic Glory.

1. New running kit - must be capapable of holding all the right bits in and in the right direction. No more lycra - I've seen enough Police Stations this year to last me a lifetime. I'd like proper running shorts and proper running shirts - with, natch, sponsors logos emblazoned.

2. New pumps. Dont care what sort. Oh and if you could chuck in a few packets of whitener as well.

3. Drinks carrier. Enough to fit a dozen tubes of Leffe.

4. A new anorak.

5. A proper car. Anything so long as it doesnt have a coat hanger for an arial and it mustn't be French. A new van for Ernie would be a nice touch as well.

6. Hollands Pies have been a rubbish sponsor - come on Pukka Pies or Peter's Pies - what are you waiting for!!

7. An energy drink sponsor - somebody like Newcastle Brown Ale would be good.

8. A travel sponsor too - I'm getting a bit embarrased at the number of lifts I'm poncing from Nice Work. Plus, whenever I come back I always have a headache and I whiff of Pale Ale. I dont care who sponsors my travel really but it would be nice to have a prestige name like Millets or Poundland. Or even a private benefactor. As Des O'Connor used to say "Its always nice to have a rich benefcator sponsoring your travel when you're trying to secure Olympic glory for your country"

9. That racing driver chappie Jensen Buffon has a watch sponsor - so maybe somebody like Timex would fancy giving it a go? The Half Share rather cruelly jibed that I'd be better off with a calendar sponsor but I think that was just jealousy.

10. Viagra. Dunno why - that was Ernie's idea. Dunno what they make but Ernie says it stands to reason. He's lost me I'm afraid.

Anyway those are my priorities - but obviously any other stuff you want to chuck my way, I'll be proud to wear it on your behalf.

Just think you could soon be sharing my podium! And for those that say 'poo' to the idea, dont come crying to me when me and my mates from Pukka Pies are featured on the front cover of the Harlow Bugle eh?

Keep on tapering.

Ron