Don't worry - I'm here!

Don’t worry Ronettes – I’m OK!!

Well only just – but I am OK.

Where have I been? What have I been doing? And who with?

All these questions and much, much more will be answered in good time. But I just wanted to tell you that I’m really .... just fine-ish!

Have you missed me?

I’ve got so much to tell you that it’ll take me a few days – I’ve been representing my country in foreign places like France and Luxembourg, my favourite small European country; I’ve been competing in Caravan County, I’ve been meeting with dignitaries – but I’ve been also been eating a couple of pies and downing the odd Leffe too.

So where do I start? Well I suppose I should tell you why I’ve been absent.

I know that there were rumours floating around – I’d been kidnapped by dissident Canadians fighting for independence from England, I’d been taken in and offered full board and lodgings by HM Inspector of Secure Premises; I’d been on warm weather training in Scotland etc etc - all very romantic – but some way from the truth.

The truth is I’m afraid much worse than any of those scenarios.

I've had to get a job.

You see, since my magnificent victory over Haille Gebrselassie at the London Marathon this year I really expected the commercial endorsements to come flooding in – but, you know, life’s just not like that. And to be honest I’ve found it difficult to carry on with my full-time Olympic training programme. It was a huge psychological blow – not to mention a pain in the backside – to find myself struggling to pay my own training and dietary expenses (do you know how much food is? Over £3 a pint now!). So, I found myself under a bit of pressure from the Half Share in the House to pop out and get some spondoolicks. Apart from anything else it takes some ackers to support her five times-a-week bingo habit and with further demands on my wallet from Septic Knuckles, the rent man, Haille-Minogue, The Droog and the Sod – my three cash drainers – I had no option.

Fortunately my mates Ernie and Buttocks came to the rescue and got me a job as towel hanger at the local sauna and solarium – that went south after just three days after some pathetic incident with a couple of fillies, an ice cube and a whoopee cushion got blown up out of all proportion. Anyway I ended up working as a car park attendant on the seafront in Hastings – and I tell you it’s been a real uplift for me. My confidence has improved, my social skills have taken a turn for the better, I’m now better able to negotiate, to interact, to debate. And I’m also able to reverse a Ford Transit into a space four and a half feet wide.

So that’s why I’ve been quiet. Your man here has been into shift work and seven days a week working – and all for the benefit of my dear family.

Anyway, that’s enough brownie points in the bag – it’s back to normal now!

But "Hey, Ron" I hear you say “Tell us about your intensive Olympic Training Programme and are you still on course for 2012 glory?”. Well I have to say, there have been times when I’ve wondered myself. But don’t worry – that medal has still got my name on it!

Immediately following London, I became quite ill – my body basically fell to bits. In fact on more than occasion I was forced to my bed and had to rely on the Half Share’s caring nature to see me through the day. My skin started to drop off, my head hurt, my insides were in turmoil – basically I was one big unwell bunny. But not wishing to disappoint my public and those who have followed me through thick and thin – even when I went to Wales – I decided to try and carry on making my hugely popular public appearances.

My biggest mistake was running a 10 mile race in Caravan County. I popped over to Hildenborough at the beginning of last month. I felt OK-ish and finished the 10 miler in 1.32.34. But, my word did I suffer for that. My legs had gone the morning after - and I thought I'd got the dreaded splints. Three days later I went down to my local athletics track to sign a few autographs and attempted to do a lap of honour and to wave to the assembled masses - but, you know, I couldn't manage more than 15 yards before I had to stop.

So, with my anger and frustration all boiling up I threw my pumps under the stairs, took a pie, popped a Leffe and sat there and stewed. I missed my favourite race in France and my even more favouritist race in Luxembourg - and, to be honest, life seemed to be heading downhill fast.

And then I remembered who I was. And of all my fans, my Ronettes, my sponsors (although that's a moot point at the moment), my world.

And that Olympic Medal dangling round my neck.

So, I gave myself a kick up the jacksie two weeks ago - weighed myself, burst into tears and sat down to write myself a recovery training session.

As I sit here now, I've been going for just over a week. In that time, I've cycled around 50 miles, re-started my running - and, believe it or not made three public appearances in four days!

I'll tell you all about it in good time - my trips to France and Luxembourg and my public appearances. But for now, relax,

Your man is back.

Keep on tapering

Ron