Let me put this one to bed right now!!

I am not running starkers OK?

No way. Not a snowball in hell's chance. Not even if you paid me.

No. Not now. Not ever. Not never. Not anytime. No!

Now this all started yesterday when I was flicking through my correspondence. It was all the usual stuff - requests from my fans for photos, autographs, personal appearances etc - when, amongst the pile of begging letters from Race Directors for me to sign up for their events, I came across a letter from a bloke requesting my appearance at an event in Orpington, Kent. Now, as you know, I'm a frequent visitor to Caravan County so I put it on the pile of 'Maybe's' to study later.

Later that evening, the Half Share in the House had been grouting all day so was late finishing repairing the roof tiles that had blown off in the strong winds and, as a result, I was still waiting for my tea. I tried to take my mind off the hunger by watching Bargain Hunt on the box - but it was a flippin' repeat! So back I went to my correspondence and I was just about to sign up to this flippin' race in Orpington when, to my horror, I studied the small print. Well, to be honest, I should have studied the big print never mind the small print. Now whilst the race is called Naked Ambition 3, I thought it referred to a state of mind - not a state of undress! Because ... yes ... it's a race run in the nuddy!!

It's a 5K race and here's what the small print says:

"The UK's largest 'clothing optional' race, now in it's fifth year, but this may well be the last chance to take part. Open to all and a real 'must' for your running log."

Now excuse me, could you just run that by me again? "The UK's largest 'clothing optional' race" - so how many do you know of then? And what's all this twaddle about 'clothing optional'? If it's a nude race you can hardly turn up in full race clobber can you?

A couple of other things spring to mind about this particular event. Now I don't want to be unduly harsh about Orpington but if you were to sit down with a map of Europe and pick a place to have a race in the altogther, would you really plump for Orpington? San Tropez maybe? Or Monte Carlo? But Orpington? For goodness sake the place is nothing but houses! In fact my mate Ernie's grannie lives in Orpington and I dread to think what would happen to her if she parted the curtains and saw the best part of a couple of hundred naked bodies hurling down Arcadia Avenue with bits of rude stuff flapping in the breeze! To be fair, I'm sure it isn't the first time that naked men have been seen running down the road in this fine part of the country - but I'm also sure that on most of the previous occassions there would have been a fair number of blokes in uniforms and blue flashing lights in hot pursuit.

The other thing that worries me slightly about the race description is this 'A real must for your running log' stuff. Now I'll ignore the obvious, rather distateful, connotations with the word 'log' in this context - so let's just concentrate on the 'A real must' bit shall we?

Are you sure?

There's no 'must' about it. In fact I'd be much more comfortable with 'Must not' or 'shouldn't' or 'you must be chuffin' joking mate'. I mean, what on earth would possess anybody in their right mind to get out of bed, remove the last semblance of decency protecting you from the eyes of the outside world and go for a chuffin' run in the nicky nacky? For God's sake it's parky enough wearing tracky trousers and a sweatshirt! And the other thing is - it might be OK for you girlies, you've only got a couple of bezoomas to hang on to - but us chaps are just not built for activities that involve any form of up and down movement.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for a nudie event that features just women - because that would be a cracking spectator sport wouldn't it? But this kiddie ain't going anywhere near this kind of event. It's just ... well, let's just say I find the whole thing a bit yukky - if not a little suspect.

Anyway, I decided to delve into the subject a little closer - and do you know what? There's not just one race - there's a whole flippin lot of 'em. And if you don't believe me, have a butchers at this little lot!. Now granted, most of the events are in a place called America and having watched the news once and seen The Waltons on the telly I understand that they may lack a bit of grey matter up top. But for Pete's sake don't these people have standards?? Or mums and dads?

There are, of course, a couple of other prcatical issues about a run in the buff.

Where do you pin your number? I won't ask where they'd ask you to place your ChampionChip! And what happens if it's cold? OK it might not affect you girlies but I've seen what happens when the old mercury drops below freezing and it does no good for a bloke's reputation I can tell you. There's changing facilities provided - why? You don't need to change into anything.

More to the point though - and the more discerning of you chaps will know what I mean - what happens if you bowl up to the race, take your kit off, trot down to the start line ... and it's packed out with pretty fillies? I don't know about you, but your man here might find that a bit of a distraction - if you see what I mean. Mind you it could help me improve my finishing time by a couple of seconds - no need to dip to cross the line eh? Kind of brings a new meaning to the 'coming first or last' argument too doesn't it?

And as for entering on the day - well that's just plain filthy!

In fact I think that's why I got the invite - you can just imagine what my highly complex series of pre-race stretches, anal crunches and pelvic thrusts could do to a highly aroused crowd of runners already overdosed on testosterone! Nope, I've got standards and whilst I may disappoint a legion of fans eager to see a touch more of the famous Ron, this kiddie's trolleys are being kept firmly on his body where they belong!

So you can take it from me, your man here will not be running naked in Orpington or anywhere else for that matter

I just haven't got the balls to do it.

Keep on tapering.

Ron