What on earth is it about Essex?

Not the best weekend in this kiddie’s sporting diary to be honest. I made a tortuous journey to Stiletto City yesterday to take part in the Brentwood Half Marathon. Two problems. First of all, being the Spring Equinox the meddling beggars who look after the clocks and times in this country decided to put the clocks forward - which meant I had one hour less in kip on Saturday night. A problem compounded by the fact that I only just made it to bed before I had to get up! A personal appearance by yours truly turned slightly pear-shaped when the bottles of Leffe (good) were supplemented by a bottle of Smirnoff Blue (very, very bad). In short I ended up a slavering mess about 2 o'clock in the morning, troughed a cheese on toast supper/breakfast and was woken with the mother of all hangovers at 6 o'clock.

Ideal race preparations or what?

So I was in a bit of quandary when I arrived in Essex - do I sit out the race or run it? The big problem of course is that my appearance had boosted the entry and, quite frankly, a good few hundred bods had turned up - presumably because I'd already signed to run and I didn’t want to let them down. Sure, I could have hung around, looking important, signed a few autographs and demonstrated my anal crunch routine – but that’s just faking it as far as I’m concerned. But even so I could have done with just putting my head down never mind running 13.1 flippin' miles.

But I knew that I'd have let down my fans if I'd done 'a Paula' - so I set out to treat the event as a training run and I ran extremely gingerly for the first six miles until I was certain that breakfast would remain where I'd left it. To be honest, it was a foolish thing to do - but I trotted round in a spot-on 10 minute mile pace and finished the race in 2.09.44. But do you know what? I so wished I'd have been in a fit condition because it was a cracking event for getting a good time. Much of the race was downhill or flat - with the odd unnoticeable incline - and my mind raced forward 12 months to next year - when you’re man here could well have a bash at the old world record with my new invention - Hillys, the trainer with wheels in its heels.

But, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disappoint some sections of my fan base.

People from Essex.

I abhor all kinds of prejudice - even that directed at some women. What I have to say next isn't sexist - but it is Essexist. You see I ran virtually the whole race surrounded by chatting runners. Almost to a person, the entire range of topics for Essex ladies is restricted to clothes and shopping; and the blokes have no other topic of conversation apart from cars.

So I spent the first five miles listening to fuel consumption figures of a BMW 5 series, the amount of oil consumed by a Lexus (apparently allow 1 litre per 1,000 miles "or you got a dog mate") and the acceleration of a Toyota MR2 is "well mash-up".

I just got so bored with the conversations of these red-necked, gel-wearing market-trading city types that I stopped for a while to let them all chatter past. And as for the girls ... tell me, what is the point of tying your flippin' coat round your waist before the race has started? And what on earth are the leg warmers for? They went out with step aerobics for God's sake!

So, I've decided to offer my advice to the people of Essex - and here are my ten reasons why the people of Essex should never run:

1. You can't get shoulder pads in running vests
2. How many races do you know that go past Lakeside or Bluewater?
3. Nike, Asics, Brookes and Reebok - I might be wrong but so far as I know none of them manufacture a running shoe with stiletto heels
4. It looks really naff having a white Ford Capri as the lead car
5. The girls keep stopping to ask for directions
6. How many races do you know where they have Bacardi Breezer Stations instead of water stops?
7. The only reason they do run is because they like the sound of heavy breathing
8. Burberry running vests look stupid
9. Sweaty roots? Oh yuk!!
10. Yes - your bum does look big in those.

Well that's upset half my mates.

Tough week coming up for your man here. I'm training every night with a mix of gym and road running and the Half Share in the House has put me on a diet - so it's cup-a-soup-tastic all week! Then, on Sunday ... it’s that flippin Worthing 20 race. It isn't just the distance that's a put-off - it's the fact that it's 4 laps of 5 miles which is mind numbingly boring. But I know if I'm going to make that podium in 2012 I'm going to have to overcome weeks and races like this.

Be back to you soon.

Keep on tapering.

Ron