2012 - my first rehearsal

Well, the euphoria of my finish in front of tens of thousands of cheering fans is still around me. Thanks to all you fans – and especially the Ronettes out there who threw items of personal clothing at me on the Mall as well – I’m just sorry that I couldn’t wave back but I was otherwise engaged in a dash for the line.

How do I feel today?

Well, I do have a feeling of satisfaction on completing the toughest run of my life, but I am quite sore. Here’s my list of ailments – beginning at the south end:

1 x blister
1 x tight achilles
2 x aching ankles
2 x knees. Just painful.
1 x troublesome ITB
2 x calf muscles. Shot to bits.
2 x quads – very sore and difficult to move
1 x chaffing injury in the groin region.
1 x bizarre rash on my stomach. Just hoping it isn’t shingles!
1 x pulled muscle in my upper arm
1 x sunburnt neck
1 x sore throat and swollen glands (may not be run-related)
1 x face that looks like its been 10 rounds with Mike Tyson – can’t explain but it’s a mixture of sunburn and something akin to the after effects of a face lift
1 x sore nose – outside with sunburn; inside – I dunno, it just hurts
2 x sore eyes – another bizarre one. My eyes keep leaking tears but I’ve got over the emotional bit.
1 x bouncing headache.



Above. Your man here at the finish. Feeling very tired.

But I’m not moaning – I still feel pretty good with myself. I’ll be firing off letters to the UK Athletics bods and also to the Olympic organisers to remind them that I beat Haile Gebrselassie yesterday. In addition, whilst I have a 100% finishing record in my four marathons, both Gebrselassie and Paula R have inferior records to your man here.

That should sort my guaranteed entry in 2012.

So, how did it go yesterday? Here’s my mile by mile guide to the race.

Pre Race

Did my anal crunch and pelvic thrust routine to an appreciative audience at the warm-up area. A little surprised - as I thought this area was strictly for elite athletes. Attention grabbed by the number of elite athletes wearing fancy dress.

Mile 1

Unfortunate incident with Captain America. Despite two pre-race wees, felt the need to relieve myself on the roundabout a good 50 metres after the start. Whilst watering the flowers in the middle of the roundabout a gust of wind marked the good Captains leggings. Remember thinking he’ll probably think it’s sweat. Decided to forget about target time and concentrate on surviving.

Mile 2

Went storming past 16 convicts tied together with rope and as I turned to give them the “Hey, you’ve just been blown away by Ron. Eat my pants” finger I came across Convict number 17 and tripped over his rope. Thanks to Mother Theresa for picking me up. First sighting of two Bakewell Tarts. Feeling very hot already.



Mile 3

Passed Indiana Jones pulling a 330lb boulder – his anticipated finishing time was 27 hours! Saw Winnie the Pooh vomiting through its eye holes. Had my 4th water stop and running constantly at 10 minute mile pace. Think I can see the Kenyans just ahead of me. Decide to try and catch them to get in the leading pack.

Mile 4.

Caught Kenyans. Turns out that they’re four Round Table guys dressed as South Sea Islanders. Slip on piece of grass skirt. Heat is getting to me already and can’t believe how humid it is. Try to work out where would be the best place to pull out – then decide I’m being wimpish.

Mile 5

Ron gets a round of applause from crowd after picking up young girl who had tripped up. Try to help her straighten her number and fix a safety pin. Crowd seem to be on her side when she slaps my face – honestly, some people!

Mile 6

The first of ten long miles when, just after the Cutty Sark, I catch up with a woman carrying a trombone who plays the opening bars of Chariots of Fire every 10 yards. 10K time is 1 hour and 4 minutes – I’ve never been so slow. Show Teletubby an impressive pair of heels. That’ll teach him to dress up in a woolly TV character.

Mile 7

Teletubby passes me and breaks wind on the way past. Girl in bikini on my right looks at me disgusted - I tell her it wasn't me but she's not convinced. Bakewell Tarts pass me. See argument between Frankenstein and Scooby Doo. No sign of Gebrselassie.

Mile 8

Attempt to stuff Lucozade pouch down the horn of the trombone player. Suffer second fall of the day and trombonists legs it to catch up with her husband. He’s playing the trumpet. Now getting the Chariots of Fire tune every five seconds. Start chatting to a Red Indian. Big mistake – every spectator starts making Indian whooping noises as he passes. Getting a headache.

Mile 9

First sign of redness on my chest. Ouch. Catch up with Bakewell Tarts but get blown away by a Motorola telephone. Didn’t get a glimpse of the chap inside but wonder whether it could have been Gebrselassie. First sign of Tower Bridge and the sun is beating down.



Gebrselassie in his ridiculous attempt to get noticed. Did him no good though, he dropped out after 19 miles

Mile 10

Well you could knock me down with a feather. After Gebrselassie passes me dressed in a Motorola telephone, Paul Tergat overtakes me dressed as Fred Flintstone – remember thinking that he doesn’t suit orange. Feeling quite pleased with my run so far – if it’s taken the world record holder 10 miles to catch me I must be doing OK. Trombonist stops for a break and another Scooby Doo cocks his leg up and pees in the horn.



Paul Tergat manages a wave to the crowd

Mile 11

See a Sumo Wrestler running ahead of me and put a burst on to catch up only to find its Sally Gunnel. Roadside temperatures are reported to be 32 degrees making a mockery of the ‘official’ temperature of 21 degrees.

Mile 12

Second 10K completed in 1.07 and I’m now eager to get half way – first thoughts enter my head of walking. Glance to my right and see a guy dressed in a pink thong. All thoughts of stopping and walking have disappeared.

Mile 13

Over Tower Bridge and recall thinking that I’ve always felt quite fresh at this point. Feel about as fresh as a month old kipper today. Catch up with Bakewell Tarts. Finally manage to shake off the Red Indian. The relief from the constant whooping is so pleasant it takes my mind off the fact that I’m feeling very tired. Distressed to see Mary Poppins having a wee at the side of the road. Childhood illusions shattered. Half marathon time of 2.19 is my slowest ever – but chirp up a bit when I catch sight of what I think to be the leaders just ahead of me. Two Ethiopians seem to have the lead and are doing well dressed as London Bobbies.

Mile 14

Pass a good friend of mine Redhead Suzie – she’s attempting the world record for knitting on a marathon. She looks puzzled when I ask her if she’s dropped one yet. Start the long haul into the Docklands dreading the next six miles. Liquid intake up to 5 litres already – try to get my jelly babies out of my bum bag but drop a black one on the road. Stoop to pick it up (because they’re my favourites) and catch a glimpse between my legs of the bloke with the pink thong. Decide the jelly baby isn’t worth the risk and leg it sharpish.

Mile 15

Finally manage to ditch the trombonist when she gets her slidey-bit thing caught in a drain. Hard to run whilst laughing. Turn to give her the Ron finger and crash into a house being carried by four fire fighters. Think to myself “so that’s what it’s like to hit the wall”. Bakewell Tarts pass me. One cherry is only hanging on by a thread. Feeling of satisfaction in having completed 15 miles tempered by the fact I’ve got another 11 to run.

Mile 16

First of three Elvis’s I pass in the next two miles. Compliment him on being able to recreate the Elvis at the time of his death and realise the crassness of my comments. See who I presume is the leading lady runner so think I’m probably just outside the top 20 – things are looking good.

Mile 17

See the cherry off the leading Bakewell Tart and try to boot it into oblivion. Succeed only in falling on my behind and side-stepping the cherry in front of Ronald Reagan who kicks the cherry back in my face. Suffer safety pin wound to nose.

Mile 18

Run for a while with Shrek. 3rd 10K in 1 hour 11 minutes. Each of my three 10K segments is slower than I’ve ever done a marathon. See Gebrselassie struggling – he’s taken his Motorola Telephone suit off and looks as if he’s got a problem. Can’t say I feel much sympathy – this Olympic stuff is harsh you know.

Mile 19

Without realising it I can see that I might just be able to make this thing. I’ve slowed down considerably – but the sun is till beating down. Fantastic organisation sees water stops with plenty of fluids available now starting to appear at half mile intervals. Gives me no satisfaction though to hear that my main rival Gebrselassie has dropped out. That should leave the way open for me to cruise into the Mall still within sight of the leaders.

Mile 20

The chuffing Bakewell Tarts have overtaken me again – followed in hot pursuit by a teapot and a cup and saucer. That I can take but I’m none too happy I can tell you when a replica of the Champions League trophy barges past and its handles knock me into the side of the road. Starting to really hurt now and have more thoughts of stopping for a walk. See the Thong in my rear view mirror and that keeps me going.

Mile 21

Spartacus zooms past at a right old rate of knots being chased by an irate Strawberry with a hole where its stalk should be. Strawberry trips and bounces into middle of road – Mother Theresa appears again and leaps over the strawberry – all very impressive stuff.

Mile 22

Had a pleasant surprise. Bumped into the Half Share in the House. She should have been 2 miles ahead but had stopped for a Paula Ratcliffe. Not, I hasten to add at the side of the road but in the more dignified surroundings of a Bowls Club. She doesn’t understand my question about perpetual motions so I move on. The finish is now definitely on – and I think if I can kick in I might yet make the leader board.

Mile 23

Managed to reach the Bakewell Tarts but the cup and saucer is eluding me. Puzzled at the site of two Scooby Doos – am I hallucinating? Sorry Ronettes but I have to walk – but only for about 200 yards.

Mile 24

I know I’m going to finish but I’m finding it really hard work. I’m dehydrated – despite taking on enough water to fill a reservoir, I’m sunburnt and – and here’s the strange thing – I can’t clench my fists to dig in because my fingers have swollen to about double size. See Hamlet trying to pick his skull up off the Embankment. 4th 10K time is 1 hour 20 minutes and I’m now actually ahead of my 2005 London Marathon time. Gives me a real boost – as does the tramp who hands me a half eaten Penguin. I’m not proud and so I eat it.

Mile 25

It ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I’m amazed to see a fat lady singing – at the 25 mile mark! Had a teeny, weeny walk to the mile marker – then gather my momentum back again and start off in a final mile shuffle. This is a very, very long mile. It isn’t helped by the breakdown in signage which sees a long drag to the 800, then 600 metre mark. What seems a mile and half passes before I see the 400 metre sign. Eventually I round the corner into the Mall and set off on my famous sprint finish to the line.

Finish

Damn, blast and set fire to them!! The chuffing Bakewell Tarts and Cup and Saucer both pip me at the finish!! Finish alongside a Chicken who looks mortified when an official wraps him in foil.



A Bakewell Tart who, if you ask my opinion, needs to learn a thing or two about humility

Slump in corner. Feel very elated but so, so tired. Accept the congratulations of all those around me but have to apologise for not being able to sign autographs. Pink Thong man approaches and asks me if I'm stiff - so I decked him.

And that was it. My 1st dress rehearsal for London 2012.

I’m now taking a few days off to rehydrate and then the whole journey begins again. And how can you cap running the London marathon?

Easy – I’m doing the Hastings 5 this Sunday.

Can’t wait.

Keep on tapering.

Ron