What on earth is it about Essex?

Not the best weekend in this kiddie’s sporting diary to be honest. I made a tortuous journey to Stiletto City yesterday to take part in the Brentwood Half Marathon. Two problems. First of all, being the Spring Equinox the meddling beggars who look after the clocks and times in this country decided to put the clocks forward - which meant I had one hour less in kip on Saturday night. A problem compounded by the fact that I only just made it to bed before I had to get up! A personal appearance by yours truly turned slightly pear-shaped when the bottles of Leffe (good) were supplemented by a bottle of Smirnoff Blue (very, very bad). In short I ended up a slavering mess about 2 o'clock in the morning, troughed a cheese on toast supper/breakfast and was woken with the mother of all hangovers at 6 o'clock.

Ideal race preparations or what?

So I was in a bit of quandary when I arrived in Essex - do I sit out the race or run it? The big problem of course is that my appearance had boosted the entry and, quite frankly, a good few hundred bods had turned up - presumably because I'd already signed to run and I didn’t want to let them down. Sure, I could have hung around, looking important, signed a few autographs and demonstrated my anal crunch routine – but that’s just faking it as far as I’m concerned. But even so I could have done with just putting my head down never mind running 13.1 flippin' miles.

But I knew that I'd have let down my fans if I'd done 'a Paula' - so I set out to treat the event as a training run and I ran extremely gingerly for the first six miles until I was certain that breakfast would remain where I'd left it. To be honest, it was a foolish thing to do - but I trotted round in a spot-on 10 minute mile pace and finished the race in 2.09.44. But do you know what? I so wished I'd have been in a fit condition because it was a cracking event for getting a good time. Much of the race was downhill or flat - with the odd unnoticeable incline - and my mind raced forward 12 months to next year - when you’re man here could well have a bash at the old world record with my new invention - Hillys, the trainer with wheels in its heels.

But, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disappoint some sections of my fan base.

People from Essex.

I abhor all kinds of prejudice - even that directed at some women. What I have to say next isn't sexist - but it is Essexist. You see I ran virtually the whole race surrounded by chatting runners. Almost to a person, the entire range of topics for Essex ladies is restricted to clothes and shopping; and the blokes have no other topic of conversation apart from cars.

So I spent the first five miles listening to fuel consumption figures of a BMW 5 series, the amount of oil consumed by a Lexus (apparently allow 1 litre per 1,000 miles "or you got a dog mate") and the acceleration of a Toyota MR2 is "well mash-up".

I just got so bored with the conversations of these red-necked, gel-wearing market-trading city types that I stopped for a while to let them all chatter past. And as for the girls ... tell me, what is the point of tying your flippin' coat round your waist before the race has started? And what on earth are the leg warmers for? They went out with step aerobics for God's sake!

So, I've decided to offer my advice to the people of Essex - and here are my ten reasons why the people of Essex should never run:

1. You can't get shoulder pads in running vests
2. How many races do you know that go past Lakeside or Bluewater?
3. Nike, Asics, Brookes and Reebok - I might be wrong but so far as I know none of them manufacture a running shoe with stiletto heels
4. It looks really naff having a white Ford Capri as the lead car
5. The girls keep stopping to ask for directions
6. How many races do you know where they have Bacardi Breezer Stations instead of water stops?
7. The only reason they do run is because they like the sound of heavy breathing
8. Burberry running vests look stupid
9. Sweaty roots? Oh yuk!!
10. Yes - your bum does look big in those.

Well that's upset half my mates.

Tough week coming up for your man here. I'm training every night with a mix of gym and road running and the Half Share in the House has put me on a diet - so it's cup-a-soup-tastic all week! Then, on Sunday ... it’s that flippin Worthing 20 race. It isn't just the distance that's a put-off - it's the fact that it's 4 laps of 5 miles which is mind numbingly boring. But I know if I'm going to make that podium in 2012 I'm going to have to overcome weeks and races like this.

Be back to you soon.

Keep on tapering.

Ron

Wheels and things

I'm sorry fans but there are times when priorities dictate that I can't always be here to talk to you. Now, you know that this kiddie is pretty much 24/7 available for you. After all you’re the people that will help carry me to Olympic glory. But I've had a bad few days and I'm afraid to say the wheels have come off the Ron bandwagon somewhat.

It all started with the euphoria of my post-Hastings efforts and I continued my strict regime of training and healthy living right up until last Friday when I finally completed my first 20 mile training run of the year. Now I don't know how many of you have actually run this distance but let me tell you something - it's a chuffing long way. But your man here did OK - and by last Friday night I was basking in the glory of my achievement.

Then, last weekend I had to go to France for a top secret meeting with some potential commercial partners and whilst there I naturally took the opportunity to re-hydrate with a couple of decent doses of Leffe. As most other top athletes will tell you, rest is just as important as training - so I took this on board and rested till the early hours in the company of some decent chaps.

But, to be honest, since arriving back in the UK I've had some problems with the old pins - and my legs have been giving me a bit of trouble. So I decided to have what we athletes call a Recovery Week. This has involved a strict routine with plenty of Guinness, some Cornish Pasties and a couple of pizzas - and guess how I feel? Yup - duff's the word. I seem to have piled on a stone in weight and the lack of exercise this week has made me feel pretty lethargic and I really need a kick up the Blair to get me back on track.

I know what you’re asking. Has this kiddie got it in him to get back on track? You're dead right he has. So, I'm about to embark on a serious bout of pre-London Marathon activity that will put some of our international athletes to shame. First up tomorrow is a trip to Stiletto City to take part in the Brentwood Half Marathon although I have to say I'm not feeling too confident. For a start I'm still full of twinges - and my returning bulk means that I'll probably be struggling to break that 2 hour mark - and that will come as a great personal disappointment to your man here.

Following my personal appearance north of the river tomorrow I've got a hard week on the road and in the gym this week to prepare myself for a 20 Mile Race in Worthing next Sunday. I've been in touch with my Elite Training team and it's pretty imperative that I complete that event in less than 3 hours 20 minutes – so that’s a daunting task to say the least.

I have spent the last few days getting my commercial stuff on track too and I'm conscious that I've not been as forthcoming as I should have been about these activities. You'll appreciate that commercial confidentialities do tend to dictate what can and what can't be made public. But you know - I've always been a bit of a rebel so beggar it! I've decided to expose some of the more murky goings-on in the world of sport by placing in the public domain all my correspondence with the world's top business and political leaders - so watch this space!

Finally this week - some brilliant news. I'm obviously now a leading sporting personality - but did you know that I was also an inventor? Crazy I know - but it's true! And guess what? I've only gone and invented a new running shoe! One that will soon revolutionise the sport of road running and marathon racing - and watch out for a world record soon from your man here!!

It all started when I tried to catch hold of my youngest - the Sod. He'd been up to no-good like many of today's young Herberts and, after returning the stolen items and apologising to the vicar, I decided to give him a bit of a leathering. But I couldn't catch the toerag! The reason is that he's only gone and got caught up in the latest craze in youngster’s footwear - he's got wheels in the heels of his trainers. Heelys they're called. So, every time I tried to give him a right hook, he simply wheeled out of the way! I tried to swing a size 9 boot at his backside only for me to kick fresh air as he pirouetted out of kicking distance!



Which got me thinking.

Now, whilst to you and I the blessed things might just be plain ridiculous - but, hang on. Could we not use these Heely things for running? Well I reckon we could. Except they won't be called Heely's - I'm going to start to capitalise on the Ron brand - so, watch out for the introduction of .... Hillys!!

It stands to reason doesn't it? Run up the hills - then wheel down the other side! I don't know why I haven't thought of it before - so I'm currently building a prototype which I will test out and then when I've refined it and ironed out the bugs I'll be hoping to find myself a race to try them out. What I’m looking for is a downhill race – and then watch out world record!

I'm already prepared a couple of proposals to put Hillys to the big footwear companies and I'll let you see how I get on with trying to get a deal done. But I think I'm on to a winner!

Anyway - it's a sausage sarnie for brunch, a kip, the footie - and then the dreaded trip to Stiletto City tomorrow. I'm no big fan of Essex to be honest - I was scarred for life by my experience of working in the place some years ago. I used to work for a woman who was, quite frankly, the basis for all Essex stereotypes - white stilettos, white Ford Escort Turbo Nutter Thingy car and whose attempts to make herself more attractive to men was limited to putting her legs behind her ears. She also reminded me of the old joke "What is an Essex Girl's favourite wine?" "Aw please take me to lakeside, please ....".

There you go, have a nice weekend.

Keep on tapering.

Ron